How to set healthy boundaries
We all need to set healthy boundaries. A registered psychologist shares what that means and how to do it.
By Kristen Mayne
Mental and emotional boundaries aren’t obvious like physical boundaries we see in our everyday life, like the lanes on a highway. They can feel hard to define because they’re invisible and are different for each person. They may also feel challenging to navigate or communicate. But setting healthy boundaries are essential if we want to be emotionally and physically well, says Katie Turner.
Turner is a registered psychologist based in Calgary. She shares how to build boundaries in relationships.
Why is it important to set healthy boundaries in relationships?
“When we set boundaries, we take care of our own mental health and well-being,” says Turner.
With boundaries, we give ourselves permission to say no to things and not take too much on. Turner says this prevents us feeling burnt out or taken advantage of.
Setting boundaries also improves the quality of our relationships. “It results in more quality and happier relationships. Quite often, the most compassionate, wholehearted people have strong boundaries.”
Turner says people’s boundaries can change at different stages of life. “This could be when you have children or if you go back to school.”
What are healthy boundaries?
“Boundaries are where we start and where someone else begins,” says Turner. “Boundaries let others know what type of treatment we’re going to tolerate.”
Turner says there are also boundaries we set for ourselves – like not going online late or working past 5:30 pm.
“It’s important to stop and think about what we’re comfortable with,” says Turner. “And boundaries aren’t always rigid. They can change in different periods of life. Take stock of how full your plate is. Look at how busy you are and how much time you have.”
Turner says it’s also important to look at your emotional resources too. “Perhaps there’s a relationship that’s one-sided. Or someone is always dumping on you. They aren’t respecting your time or boundaries.
It can be hard to say no. “We need to get comfortable not meeting people’s needs all the time,” says Turner. “It’s not about not being generous. It’s about asking yourself, ‘does it feel good to give?’ If it doesn’t then you can say no. And you can say no with compassion, respect and love.”
If we take too much on, Turner says resentment can build and that will show up in other ways. “We may snap at them or avoid their calls. But if we’re communicating with respect and compassion, it will strengthen our relationships with the people who can handle boundaries. If someone’s a taker, they may leave the relationship.”
What are some examples of healthy boundaries?
What do healthy boundaries look like? Turner shares these examples:
- Say no when you’re overextended. Do not taking things on because of guilt. If someone we love needs help, you can still support them in other ways.
- Set hours for remote work. For example, work Monday to Friday from 8:30 am to 4:30 pm. Don’t check email on evenings and weekends.
- Tell people when you don’t appreciate the way they spoke to you.
- Know your priorities. Drop or let standards down where you need to.
- Share your COVID-19 boundaries with family and friends based on what you are comfortable with.
- Set privacy boundaries around how much your share with someone.
- Set physical boundaries about how/when/if someone’s allowed to touch you, even if they’re your partner.
Setting boundaries in a relationship
“An important part setting boundaries is being able to see where you’re at emotionally and physically,” says Turner.
When you need to set a boundary, Turner says to do it calmly and respectfully. “You don’t need to apologize or justify when you set a boundary.”
If you’re fearful of conflict, you can test setting boundaries with people who feel safe first, says Turner. “But other people’s inability to handle boundaries isn’t your problem. Boundaries are a two-way street. People can have a tantrum when you set boundaries. But it’s not a reason not to have boundaries – it’s why you need them. It’s a confirmation of how important they are.”
“Boundaries show us who has emotional maturity and emotional regulation skills,” says Turner. “If someone doesn’t have those skills, they can be more challenging when setting boundaries. And you may not always have a relationship afterwards. That’s okay. It’s important to develop an inner circle of people who respect your right to set boundaries.”
